Random - An Update on Me

With the changing of the new year came new parity laws with insurance. Earlier in the year I mentioned, with humor to my supervisor, with chagrin to my coworkers and with dread to my husband - this affects only me. Only my job and my stress levels. 

And it did. Four weeks in dreary gray of January I sped and bled like a speed demon on the devil track, attempting to get insurance to bend to my will. To make their bed with our company, with our sickest clients. Most refused. A few of the nicer ones - and within the first minute I could usually tell which ones still cared - admitted that 30 years of depression isn't taken care of in 12 three hour groups. 

And I cared for the clients when I let myself think about it - because of all the things to inhibit their improvement, insurance shouldn't be the biggest. But often enough, it is. Men with sex addictions and past trauma and a failing job and rising debt should not have to deal with disenchanted wives and impervious insurance companies. And lord knows I wouldn't dare try to approach the wife, but the insurance company has no right, dammit, to get involved! To even presume they knew what is best is ridiculous. 

One week I got so incensed that my supervisor had to come in and calm both me and the insurance dog down over speaker. And many weeks I cried. 

I didn't realize that the stress of my job bled into the halls until, four months in, I calculated that about 10 of my therapists and coworkers had asked what I did for stress management. Of course, that was a very therapist-y thing to say. I got a cat, listened to audio books, went to plays, watched movies, read crappy romance novels, and ate lots of sugar. I joined two book clubs, a writer's workshop and a yoga class. The downtown public library is surprisingly clean and organized for taking up a whole block, and this helps me soak in the calm that a library always seems to emanate. And the yoga class made me feel as calm as I feel when I visit my childhood home back in southwest Kansas, where the closest neighbor is a mile or so away and even the trees try not to disrupt the flat landscape. I didn't think that calm was something that could be found in the midst of big city skyscraper mess. But it seems I've found a place in it's lap. Or I'm getting more familiar with it, as time goes by. And slowly I am getting into a rhythm with insurance and the new laws. 

Part of me hates my job, or maybe all of me hates my job part of the time. Then other days I love fighting for justice. Giving people the green light that they can change their situation, if they are brave enough to face their demons. Sometimes outside forces, like insurance, are the only thing that's keeping a person from doing that. That's where I come in, to fight for them. And after reading progress notes week after week on some client's situation, I would rather face the insurance demons anyday than the personal demons that others face. I've had a bit of a wonderful life; it seems okay that I take on a little stress so those who haven't had it so lucky can find a bit of happiness. 

And if it means that I am then justified in indulging myself in extra sugar and as many crappy romances as I want, then so be it. 

Inspiration, Part 2

Does it seem that the film awards are predictable to anyone else? I do enjoy the awards every year, and I love seeing the movies that truly are worthy of awards receive what's due to them. Despite my skepticism, here's my thoughts on some of the films that are bound to make it to the Oscars:

The King's Speech - This is first because I loved it the most. Of course I would pick the historical, beating the odds, inspirational, endearing piece as the one I loved the most. Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth and Helena Bonham Carter are so wonderful. And who likes public speaking anyways?

The Black Swan  - Even though I loved the King's Speech the most, this might be a close race for my favorite. Anyone who has done any sort of artform has probably tasted the psychological consequences of really delving into a piece that challenges beyond comfort. Not a comfortable piece, but it will take your breath away.

Inception - Come on awards people. This, to me, is an example of a movie that should receive more awards but probably won't. Why? Merely because it was in the theaters in the wrong season. But that's just my opinion.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part One - So I don't really think that this will get awards, but I love this story like I love Christmas. It's just meant to be loved.

The Fighter - The respectability of this family and the standards they live up to make me uncomfortable, but it is a story worth telling.

True Grit  - I like the Coen brothers' penchant for telling a story about those 'salt of the earth' kind. They bring out the matter of fact in people. I don't know if this 'needs' any awards, but it received a bit of buzz.

Have a good evening. Until next time.

Inspiration

It's always hardest to write that first blog post after a hiatus. I have been busy, for sure. Christmas was a wonderful little break from an extra stressful December that foreshadowed an even more stressful January (so far at least) at work. Michael and I came back from Christmas with one less car, two weakened immune systems, and a year's worth of books. Here's a sample of what I've read since the middle of December:

The Red Tent, by Anita Diamante (The story of Dinah, Jacob's only daughter) 3.5 out of 5 stars. It could of easily been more, except so much of the book was based off of Anita's imagination. But enticing and interesting nonetheless.

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larson 3.5 out of 5 stars. (Swedish suspense trilogy that everyone knows about by now) Suspenseful writing that you can revel in, but some parts are a bit painful to get through.

Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief and The Sea of Monsters by Rick Riordan Both 3 out of 5 stars A fun little read after a long, draining day of work that gives your brain a rest and lets your imagination go a little crazy.

The Great Hunt, Wheel of Time Series, Book 2 by Robert Jordan 4 out of 5 stars. A great follow-up adventure fantasy to the start of a wonderfully creative series.

And the book that got me to drag out my computer after sitting at a computer all day at work and update my blog is Ella Price's Journal, by Dorothy Bryant.
What brought me to share my thoughts about my recent mind travels is the first page of the book, describing the perfect journaling project in a college class. I love journaling projects. I journaled way too much as a kid, and I now consider my poetry and my blog the honing of journaling that's actually worth reading.

Random - The Holidays Do This To Me

1) On my way back from the holidays I'm just as ready to head for the holidays as I was at the beginning of the holidays.

2) I love thinking up wonderfully individualistic gifts for everyone, but I end up pondering one thing too long for one person (usually, but not always, my husband) and end up rushing through everyone else's.

3) Mike and I can't wait to start our long list of Christmas Movie Musts. Granted, about the time that we have time for them will be the 25th.

4) Today was the last day in November in Chicago and it was the first day I actually saw flurries. Our first year here we were already a month up to our eyeballs.

Random - Wilde's Last Stand

Today is the last day for Mike's Oscar Wilde show. It's pretty sad, actually, for me whenever Mike closes a show. I love getting to know a new cast and showering them with mother-hen love and cookies. Which means today is my last hurrah to bake some bad-a$$ cookies for these guys. And then after today I might not see some of these people for the rest of my life. That's sad to me after going through such an emotional rollercoaster (for all plays are, aren't they?) for the past two months or so.

Not that I know them too well. But I am excited for the day when Mike's show is extended and we have a great excuse to get to know a cast better.

But that's all sentimental. I think it's time to go make some pumpkin cheesecake bars and pecan pie bars. Maybe this was all just an excuse for me to eat goodies. Or maybe it's an excuse to put off writing a novel. I still plan on getting my 1000 words in today (which means I will be many tens of thousands of words short by the end of November if I continue this, but we chip away at these things, don't we?)

And perhaps I am new blood to the cooking world, but what in the hell is a jellyroll pan?

Random - Friends and Art

So we had some wonderful friends over this week, which meant that I started the week at the beginning of November with a decent start on the book I am writing for National Novel Writing Month, and I ended the week in the middle of November with a stalled start on my book.

You know when you are working on a piece of art and you mention your idea to someone and then all of a sudden a magical twist in your brain unlocks all the drollness for the work and you find it extremely difficult to finish the work? I was really afraid that this would be the case if I mentioned to our guests exactly what I was working on. And then last night we discussed my idea and the themes of my books for nearly three hours, it seemed. And I found that it isn't droll at all, but the concepts I wish to present connect with others. Flabbergasted indeed.

So without further ado, I believe I should get my little heinie in gear.

Random - Friends

Hanging with wonderful friends with full bellies and heavy eyelids. A good evening to a busy day.

Random - Chicago Theater

So I went to a play that a good friend was performing in last night. I hadn't seen her perform in over two years. She is tall and regal and beautiful in her subtleties on stage.

But I couldn't get over the theater they performed in. It was a renovated funeral home. Except it wasn't that renovated. They still had the long stand that they put the caskets on for viewings. They just put some cushions on it for a bench in the lobby before the doors opened. You could totally tell it was a funeral home. One big long room pretty much made up the whole of the building.

And get this: we went backstage after the show and the dressing room is a small, narrow room in the back of the building with tile floors and a long table with a lip around the edge. And a drain that goes to the floor, where there is another drain. It's the room where they embalmed the bodies. The table they used was still there. No freaking kidding. I couldn't get over this.

For some reason, I found it more interesting and amusing than morbid or creepy. Perhaps you will find this weird, but Michael and I love to go walk through cemeteries. We do it during the day, and we love picking the cemeteries that are really beautiful (like the one across from the Old Orchard Shopping Center in Skokie). One of the things I love about cemeteries here in Chicago is that little ways that people chose to commemorate the dead often portray the culture or demographic that they were. Asian or Spanish or Italian. We are always surrounded by life and death, and all of us together, in a mixing pot. I think it's beautiful.

I'm not your Emily Dickenson or anything, but I think acknowledging the dead and the lives they lived, even if it's summed up in one epitaph on their tombstone is important. It helps put things in perspective, and it helps me feel better about dieing myself one day.

Lastly, this past week was Day of the Dead. I really think it's a beautiful holiday. So I wanted to share some Etsy DoD works of art.

http://www.etsy.com/listing/59195841/frida-kahlo-dia-de-muertos-skull-flowers

http://www.etsy.com/listing/59278008/dia-de-muertos-reproduction-from

http://www.etsy.com/listing/49249075/day-of-the-dead-still-life-with-poppies

http://www.etsy.com/listing/49031349/dia-de-los-muertos-card

Random Angle - Inspiration

Finally, a night off.

And I get a chance to catch up on a little sleep. And a little Sherlock Holmes (wowzas - I love this version). And a little writing.

Question: When one is writing, does one go with the concept or the inspiration? I have little inspirations here and there that have come from the last few days, and I'm not yet sure if they will be able to fit in one cover. Torn between what is most relevant for me that day and the plot I was originally inspired to do. So many ideas flitting through my head that it's hard to even jot them down before they're lost to space.

Random Angle - Work

Ever since work started being pretty demanding, I've been fine with it. But I've decided to partake in NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month), and on the first day of the month, I'm so overloaded with work this evening, that I'm still working, and exhausted.

All of it will not get the best of me, dammit!

Don't get me wrong, I'm still going at it. But I sure wish that life would offer it's events and responsibilities in moderation...

Random Angle - Halloween

I have a mean getup for Professor Trelawney (from Harry Potter). The glasses, hair, dowdy hippie clothing, even the tea leaves. I first created her when me and my coworker were invited to another coworker's house for a Dress-Up-As-A-Literary-Character Party. It was a cinch -everyone was great about guessing it spot on.

But I went out to do some Halloween partying last night with friends, and I don't think anyone guessed it all night! And the 'dowdiness' seem to stand out among all those scantily clad zombie women.

I'm fine with this standing out. I don't really need someone to gape in order to know that I'm getting attention. And Mike just couldn't get enough of how cute I looked.

We went to a bar that had a sort of marching band playing. They were all dressed in zombie wear, and it was quite a spectacle: hoolah hoops, jugglers, crazy synchronized instrument dancing, megaphones and flags. My mind was kinda blown. Not sure if I loved them, really, but I would never have seen that in Kansas. Don't think I would have in Virginia Beach either..

All that to say, Happy Halloween. If you stop by I have tootsie rolls and Dots for ya.

Random Angle - Challenge

I have been taking my friends up on challenges lately, which is kind of unusual for me, I think. Probably because I'm not challenged much by my friends. That's not to say my friends aren't challenging. That's to say that they don't go 'Angie, I challenge you to a race to the kitchen'.

I just finished posting a facebook status on my wall every day for a week. This seems silly, but it was actually hard one or two of those days. I just kept thinking, 'this is too much to ask of any friend of mine to read a new post every day! It's like angie overload.' And then I remembered that I was kinda writing a new blog post everday too. talk about overload in the angie genre. This will do it.

But apparently that's not enough for me. I was just challenged another massive challenge. Probably the biggest challenge I've done since preparing for my senior recital in two months, and planning a 12 hour road trip for 30 college women in three weeks, and planning that not-so-simple wedding of mine after the senior recital and two college plays. All of those were challenges to me, not 'oh this would be so fun for you to do, you should think about doing it.' More like, 'get your ass in gear and get those women to chicago! Get in that practice room and memorize that Mozart concerto!' And I salute and say 'yessir!'

Maybe I would have found my goal in life if someone would have said to me 'I challenge you to do what you want,' instead of 'do whatever you want to do with your life. it's up to you.'

Random Angle - Pennies and Sense

Tonight I found myself with no way home.

I take the red line on the El trains. A 45 minute ride that would take about a day and a half to walk, it seems. After work I decided to take my time coming home; it was too late to make it home and see michael before he went off to his show, and I thought it would be good to spend a bit of time roaming flashy downtown before spending my evening at home finishing up Shopgirl (the Steve Martin book).

So after I had finished my Macy's window shopping and and people watching I decided to head home. But once I got down to the train, I realized that I needed to refill my card.

Now that I am at this point, I must say that usually I think ahead a tiny bit more than this. I realize when I need to refill my card and what that entails (namely, money). But today I, for some reason, didn't think to bring anything to refill my card with. I am very particular about not putting money on my credit cards, so I don't bring them. And I didn't happen to have any other card or check with me.

I think what is also interesting is I happened to realize this at 7, exactly the time that Michael leaves for his show.

So I thought a bit, walked around thinking a bit more and made a mental list of people who would be willing to spend their evening coming downtown to give me two bucks. Finally I found a little coin purse in my bag, so I counted out my coins and went down to the train card machine again to see how much was left on my card.

I'll just say it's a good thing that 1) my card wasn't completely empty and 2) the card machine takes pennies.

Random Angle - Those darn flute urges

Why is it that I always get the hankering to play my flute proud at 11:00 at night?

These paper thin walls are getting in the way.

Random Angle

I hate transitioning out the seasonal clothes. Packing away the summer clothes and bringing out the winter clothes. You have to wash all those winter clothes so you're not a mothball smeller and say goodbye to all those breezy, cotton dresses and spring colors made for the correct season.

So I'm putting it off. Which means I have a no access pass to the abyss of my closet cause all the winter items are piled by the dirty laundry and all the summer items are left forgotten on their hangers.

It causes a saturnine mood. Maybe I'll go make brownies.

Random Angle

So, I know it's just the end of October, but I have to admit that I have been working on my Christmas list. This beast that I have created is meticulously pruned every year with the first freeze to prepare it for it's mating dance. A ritual where loved ones sympathetic to my need of presents peruse my odd assortment of impulse online window shopping and pick something that glitters just right to them, fits in with their wallet, and is easy to wrap. A ritual that I now and forever will be grateful for.

One website that I have found so fitting with my christmas list this year is Etsy. Oh sure, everyone's seen it, but up to this point I've found it a tiny bit overwhelming. Where do I even start looking for that perfect little bit of handiwork that I can dangle from my ears or wrap around my chilly neck? Well, just yesterday I happened to stumble across a few ways to sift through the oddities and bizarre accessories, and suddenly the vast world of Etsy opened up to me in cute, organized rows.

1) This stuff is too cute: Add to wish list.
2) Let the gift mating ritual begin...

Random Angle

Maybe everyone else gets tired of a play after seeing it once, but I could go every night to Mike's show, if 1) I could get a comp every night and 2) the people at the box office (and perhaps a few of the cast) wouldn't think me a tiny bit overzealous for doing this. I've gone twice since the doors opened three weeks ago and already the box office fella gave me the 'haven't you been here before, and why in the world are you here again?' look.

Live theatre changes every night, depending on the crowd, the mood or energy of the cast, the backstage crew, even the weather can affect how a show turns out. I thrive off of the different conversations brought up each time, the twists and turns a play will take, being molded differently by all involved (including the audience) and how those undulations create a reaction. It's Newton's third law, the action-reaction law. And I love it.

Since I work at a psychological center, we have different ways around the offices to help clients think positive or work with their troubles. This includes a simple Table Topics game on the kitchen tables. There's no winner, just ways to get conversation going with questions like 'What is the best and worst part about being a man or a woman.' The question we answered the other day on our lunch break was 'how would your life be different if you had no concern for what others thought?'

I would go to every single showing of Michael's and I would love it, dammit.

Random Angle

So I follow about 15 blogs. Almost all of them are people I know personally or by second degree. But there are two blogs that I happened across once and was charmed enough to favorite them. As I was perusing through my blogs today I noticed that one of the two that I don't know was writing his last post. Rather, his wife was writing the post for him. He had died of cancer, rather unexpectedly from what I understand, just a few days before. I was shocked at how unexpected and terrible this was, and was deeply saddened by it. Even though I didn't know him at all, I just knew a few of his writings, it still affected me.

As all life affects us, I believe. Whether we know a person or not, thier story or brief encounter with us can change us. I deal with this every day, working at a psychological center. I am the person that a new client first talks to when coming to our center. And before that client can make an appointment, I have to know why they are seeking therapy. After talking to hundreds of clients over the past year, I have been trying to figure out how I might be able to learn or grow from these stories. Hundreds of stories. Each one different, each one with sorrow and pain, and each one seeking help. I feel honored, in a sense, that they could talk to someone that they know absolutely nothing about, and tell that person their deepest secrets on the first conversation. That is certainly something I would have trouble doing.

Random Angle

Woah Woah Woah

How did my last post happen 9 days ago? Where is my life going? Is this how years will fly by too? Wait... Am I still alive?

A humbling and slightly horrifying thought crossed my mind today in an utterly strange way: A quick prestidigitation of my life digits and I will be swept in with the eighth notes until I am more of a hemisemidemiquaver.

(whaaa? where did that come from?)

But despite all the tug of wars, there are a few things that are keeping me from being pulled right into the sad crowd of those living at breakneak speed.

1. The Fall. A macabre piece set in the early 1920's or so that seems life affirming by the end. A study on the relationship between a suicidal stunt man recently paralyzed and a sweet, trusting five year old romanian girl. I feel that perhaps The Social Network is a better made movie, (also viewed in the past 9 days), but I can't help but be much more affected by The Fall. Of course, The Fall is about life and death, The Social Network is about The Facebook.

Please note that The Fall, though colorful and creative and tidied up with a sweet ending, might be hard for some dealing with loss.

2. MORE Oscar Wilde. Might as well, right? Autumn 2010, I feel, will be remembered by the fall of Wilde. I saw Mike's play, finally, and was touched by it. I have also spent today reading and rereading De Profundis; the letter written to his vain lover near the end of his two year hard labor jail term. Profound, and, in the very least, arrantly interesting as a study on his view of his love almost two years after being put in jail, after three very difficult trials and becoming the public example of 'gross indecency'. What is most interesting to me is his unique contemplation on Christ, love, and sin.

3. Work is a pill. Not just any pill, one that dehydrates and leaves me not recognizing any comparisons between weekdays and weekends. The shortening days also leave me with a distinct scurrying feeling at all times. So as my third point on staying sane amidst a torrent of insanity, I wanted to share a few things that calm me. I saw this post one day and ever since have thought about the things that really do calm me.

• fall-flavored candles on cute candlesticks
• apple cider (warm or cold)
• deli cheeses and meats that spruce up a lame sandwiches at lame days at work
• seeing sheet music laying around
• reading, seeing, partaking of art
• feeling rested
• being completely ready for bed
• Jim Hensen
• reading aloud and being read aloud to
• seeing Michael on stage
• glossy wood floors
• pictures on the wall
• campfire smell
• and the smell of decomposing leaves
• watching lame movies and laughing. and laughing at how much of life is spent watching lame movies
• head on pillow
• storms
• and everything else on the curlsofred 20 calming things post that wasn't already mentioned.

Random Angle

A couple things I'm glad for:

1) Quiet Evenings. Today is the first day since sometime in August that Michael and I have had a Monday evening together. Without rehearsals or plans or anything. We almost don't know what to do with ourselves, we are so embalmed with gladness.

2) Frozen grapes. Landon Tucker taught me a few things, but one of them was that frozen grapes are a wonder of the fruit world.

3) It has a been a beautiful and thankfully mild fall.